I Won’t be Home for Christmas Blogisode 1

"Pj's and Seafood"

My blogisodes came a little late.  Actually they are very late and I apologize for those who have been waiting.   Writers block or something, my creative juices have been put on hold. Why this happens I would like to know, it’s all I got going for me.  So on with my Christmas and New Years stories.

Spending Christmas away from home wasn’t that big of a deal, sure I’d miss my family but there will be another one next year.  Christmas in Spain was going to be fun, right?  My co-worker/ friend Alicia invited me to spend the holidays with her and her family.  I was looking forward to the Christmas break but little did I know that Christmas with her family would help me put on five pounds.

Along comes Christmas day and it was time to meet the family. I met the sweet Grandpa, the strange Uncle that no one likes, the Aunt that everyone likes, the ritzy cousins and the boyfriend.   The only difference between this family and an average holiday get-together in America is the fight over who gets the last piece of octopus.

Enya was playing in the background and I kept asking Alicia if I should have changed my clothes as I stared at everyone in their Sunday best.  Feeling uncomfortable already as the language barrier kept me out of some really funny jokes I decided to offer my help in the kitchen.  I was unsuccessful as I was shooed to get out of the way, so to the table I went and boy was I starving. One by one I stared at the plates trying to figure out first what the hell I was looking at and second my exit strategy if my gag reflex decided to do its job. I looked down at all the seafood on the table and my stomach started talking to me.  No I don’t mean the sounds of gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, I mean literally talking to me.  My stomach had a voice like George Costanza from Seinfeld!  I kept hearing” don’t eat it, don’t eat it, I’m losing it!”  But I had to try it at least once; it’s common courtesy to at least try it, right- even if it still had the eyeballs? 

The octopus didn’t even looked cooked as everyone pushed me to try it.  I took one bite and swallowed fast as everyone laughed at me.   Next up, packaged salmon with black caviar on top.  Always wanted to try caviar, I wanted to know what the big hype was.  Down the pipe it went and I still don’t have the answer for that one.   Anchovies on tomatoes?  I so would lose on one of those reality shows where the contestants have to eat strange things to win.  Mussels are huge here in Spain and are even a bigger disappointment to my American appetite.  I really thought I could Anthony Bourdain my way through Christmas dinner, I was terribly mistaken.  I stuck to the bread cheese and wine for the first half of the meal that lasted for about two hours.  Let me repeat that, the first part.  After comes five more courses that were more pleasing to my appetite.

Chicken soup with jamón and boiled egg, chicken vegetable stew, seafood stew and lastly pork with a cheese sauce.  Each one of these was one course, I literally had to jump and pack it down before I could eat the next one.

Now you can’t have a Christmas dinner without dessert, three desserts to be exact.  By now six hours had passed and I was still at the table trying to figure out how I was going to get past the maze of chairs to the bathroom.  Bathroom break and I was ready to stop eating, but the family didn’t stop after dessert.  After the dessert came the candy, nuts, coffee, tea and liquor.  Seven hours and a stomach ache later I was ready for bed, but it was present time.

 I didn’t expect to get anything but was excited when my named got called to come get my present as I sat and drank my cafe con leche.  I opened it and found a set of Minnie Mouse pajamas.  Pajama sets are somewhat of a necessity here in Spain as well as house slippers I quickly found out when I came to breakfast one morning in only socks and was told that it was sort of rude not to wear any house slippers. Quickly Alicia’s mom shouted at me as I was examining the size that I now have proper pj’s to keep me from getting sick.  I think it’s cute that the Spaniards still believe that getting sick is from improper pj’s or not having a scarf around your neck.  I guess they’ve never heard of germs.   Supposedly a t-shirt and basketball shorts don’t count as pajamas.  Later Alicia told me that her mother was worried that I slept in such things and decided that a pj set was a perfect gift.  Truthfully it was, I loved it.  I guess Christmas turned out great after all. 

Until the next day when we ate all of the leftovers and sat at the table for a straight seven hours again with the sweet Grandpa, the strange Uncle, the nice Aunt, the posh cousins, Alicia’s boyfriend and the rest of the family.  I taught them how to play Texas hold’em and made them a chocolate pie.  You didn’t think I was going to leave out my Christmas traditions did you?

So after all that food Alicia’s family and I went on a “walk” the next day in the hills of Coin, a small city next to Malaga.  A gorgeous place to go for a stroll but this stroll lasted for 6 hours.   The so-called “walk” wasn’t a walk; it was a hike up really steep hills, through streams and past waterfalls.  They didn’t warn me, I wasn’t prepared!   Definitely not prepared to eat these strange small fruits off these trees Alicia’s dad kept picking for me.  He didn’t know that I’m allergic to everything under the sun, but I couldn’t be rude.  Here I go eating something I don’t want to just to be polite.  I eventually ate a small piece of this bright red bumpy fruit and chewed it praying that I wouldn’t go into anaphylactic shock or break out into hives.  It’s similar to a peach they told me.  It sure didn’t taste like anything close to a peach.  I put the rest of the fruit in my mouth and spit it out as soon as I was out of sight.  The hike I have to say was quite beautiful, and ended with me teaching the family a song from Journey.  Or at least I tried too.